So I had a whole post typed up yesterday before I left for work but wanted to check over it and make sure the pictures were all the right size. I was going to size all the pictures and post it when I got home.
Well I got a little distracted when I got home and ended up spending the evening playing with the dogs and cuddled up in blankets watching The Bachelor.
(I have never watched a whole series all the way through, of any tv show, and I decided that I am going to do that this year - Finish a television series while it is actually on tv. No renting or watching later!)
So that post would have probably went up this morning it would have been a normal tuesday.
But today is not normal.
Today is not a good day.
Today is a sad day.
Today is painful.
Today is numb.
Today Tank went to the vet for his x-rays.
I had convinced myself along with a lot of convincing from family and friends that what was going on is just a broken ankle or even a sprain.
Thursday when we were there I was warned and pretty convinced when leaving that he had cancer.
Anthony and everyone calmed my fears and opened my mind up that it might not be.
Of course in the back of my mind I was allowing cancer to still be a possibility.
For the last 5 days I have been praying to God that it is something else, anything else.
My mind has been foggy while inside I have been a complete mess.
We followed the directions for the sedation that he would be getting this morning, no food after 6 p.m. and no water after midnight.
Got there at 7:00 a.m. and dropped him off.
Felt like I was dropping my son off to preschool for the 1st time.
Anthony and I went out separate ways.
He was already late for work and I still had to get ready so we drove separate cars.
I cried my whole 10 minute drive home and hugged Diesel when I got home for like 20 minutes before I could even get up to get ready for the day.
Our house is so quiet without Tank there, and all I could think of "is what is this going to be like if there is something really wrong with him?"
no more slobbery kisses.
no more towels around every corner to wipe his face.
no more nose prints on the sliding glass door.
On my way to work at 8:45 I got the call.
I thought they were calling to tell me that his ankle was broken and needed permission to operate.
Not the case and not the news I was wanting to hear.
Dr. Osborne told me that his x-rays showed that he does have bone cancer.
She said the C word.
I do not remember my drive down Maple Avenue.
I don't remember if the lights changed.
I don't know I used my blinker to make my turn.
I just remember listening to her tell me our options.
1. They can amputate his leg. It can be done right there in the office.
She warned that this would not change his numbers or increase his life expectancy.
Then she said what I was dreading to hear.
2. They can refer us to a specialist. The specialist can do a biopsy and that will tell us if there is anything that can be done (this would tell us if chemo is an option or not) There are no guarantees and it will be expensive.
3. Keep him comfortable and enjoy him for the time we do have left with him.
I told her I would need to talk to Anthony and would call back at 1:00 to see when he can be picked up. She apologized and we got off the phone.
At this point I was sitting in the parking lot at work and called Anthony and just started balling my eyes out.
He obviously couldn't do much because we were on the phone.
I gathered myself and went into work.
The girls at work could tell something was wrong and I broke down once again.
The rest of this morning has been kind of weird. Due to the cold temperatures no one is really venturing out and I am just getting paperwork done here at my desk. I have called three times now to see how he is doing and we are picking him up after 4:00 when I get off work.
I want to keep everyone updated and let you know that as of right now we are choosing to keep him comfortable and on medicine to keep the swelling and the pain down. We are going to thoroughly enjoy the time we have left with him. Doing the other options would take away from his quality of life and not extend our time with him any longer. I am reminding myself that I need to not be selfish and keep him happy.
We are going to continue to pray for Tank and ask God to let us know when it is time.
I cannot thank you all enough for the prayers we have received in the last 5 days. It has been overwhelming and we are so grateful. I will definitely keep you all updated because I know you care about our big boy and probably want to know how he is doing.
Thank-you all so much!!!